The truth about fear

I started to write something here, but I deleted it. They say the truth can be liberating, but fear has a pretty strong grip.

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it's very frustrating to need someone and for them to not be able to be there to give you something so simple as a hug.

this is so stupid.

I wrote something.

Long time no see, blogosphere.

I've been crazy lately, not at all in the right mindset for anything. I may as well admit it somewhere, if not here. Lots of doctors appointments have been happening, with little results. I'm still as sick as I was, if not worse, so. Oooohh well.

Wedding planning has been...happening? Mostly with/without me, but that doesn't make sense to you, does it? I mean to say that I've been going and doing these things, but have not been happy about them. I haven't been happy about anything.

Anyway. I wrote something tonight- I don't know if it'll evolve into anything more, but I'm tired of hiding all the shit I've written in my computer or whatever, so I'm posting it here. Maybe it'll get my ass into gear.

715 spam messages.

At least I know that Gmail has an AWESOME spam filter. :3

Didn't blog last night due to studying. And I'm still in a depressive mood, but at least it's getting better. Today was my last exam for the semester~ Grades need to come back faster, I swear. :|

Anyway, graduation is Saturday morning. It will be a very looooong day, because after the actual graduation I have to help prepare everything for the party. :D I'm pretty stoked, even if you can't tell.

I really need to stop eating, though. Period. Everything makes me sick, so what's the point? D: Need to make that doctor appointment...

Anyway, this turned out a lot more random than anything else. I'm bored (and sick) at work, so I found something to pass the time that I think everyone should play: http://www.lumosity.com/brain-games/flexibility-games/word-bubbles

It's a brain workout. <3

The Deep Dark Spiral of Death, Doom, and Despair

Lately, I’ve been having a LOT more bad days than good. It’s like every time something bad happens, I go into a spiral of darkness and despair, where everything I do and say is depressing, nothing makes me happy, and everyone and everything just SUCKS. During these moments, I am prone to violent outbursts, crying fits, intense panic attacks, and have a general “stay the fuck away and leave me alone” attitude.

This semester has been filled with them. I honestly cannot remember a day where I was truly happy- there have been moments where I was having fun, I think, but nothing really memorable. When Will is around, I’m okay, but not even he can reverse the spiral and the way it affects me. He keeps it at bay for a little while, but it always comes back.

Anyway, currently freaking out that I’m not going to graduate this semester…this year, even. Intermediate Biochemistry was my downfall last year, too, and taking it this semester proved to be a horrible, hateful idea. This class, mixed with all the stress of working, running a club, all my other classes, and family shit was the worst idea in the world. I need at least a C to pass and graduate on time.

I have no idea how I did on that final. I guess we’ll see soon enough. I just really wish teachers wouldn’t say one thing and then take it back. :/